I just want to say that I am no longer happy. And to tell you the truth, I haven’t actually been happy in a very long time. I don’t think I even know what happy feels like anymore. I don’t know what makes me happy. I have no interest in anything. I hate everything right now. Especially relationships.
I mean I understand we all constantly grow and change and we will always be changing for the rest of our lives, but that is fucking scary. How are we supposed to be together and love eachother when we’re constantly changing? And what If they change into something that the other person doesn’t like? Do we stay together and hope that they get out of this stupid phase? What if they permanently stay that way? My goal is to stay with one person for the rest of my life. So how do I know who I’m supposed to be with when we are always changing?
Also, how can we love someone so much and for so long, and then something changes in that person that you dont like, and you just break up with them and move on like it’s nothing at all? How can you do that? How is that possible? That would tear me apart, and that is already happening to me.
And because I’m going through all of this dumb shit it makes me not want to ever be in a relationship for the rest of my life. I never want to be hurt again. I have been very seriously hurt too many times. All of this keeps me from living my life. I literally wake up with anxiety everyday, not wanting to get up. Sometimes I wake up and cry because I had dreamed a beautiful dream and came to realise that it wasn’t real and I’m still in the same shit I’ve been in. And when I do get up, randomly throughout the day I get little bursts of extreme anxiety and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t want to eat, but I’m hungry, I don’t want to be awake, but I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to be around anyone, but I dont want to be alone. I feel like I’m going insane. I really don’t know what to do anymore, and I can’t believe I have successfully slipped myself into a very deep, dark depression once again.
